I think the title of today’s post says it all, don’t you?
The only thing to add is that I am thrilled to bits that Angie agreed to be here today. She’s a very talented and funny lady, and you should definitely check out her blog, Childhood Relived, when you have a spare minute (or sixty). That’s where you’ll find fantastic stories like this one:
Dallas Returns, As Do My Flashbacks
So I’m going to tell you something shocking that occurred in my childhood and you are never, ever going to believe it.
Wait. Scratch that. You are absolutely going to believe it because this was 1982, and Poltergeist was rated PG.
Here’s the thing.
When I was six, I began watching Dallas.
Yes! In fact, I was right about this tender age here:
Except then shave off a few years’ worth of innocence and you’re there.
I know, right?! Unbelievable but yet completely believable at the same time, much like Victoria Principal’s affair with Andy Gibb.
Are you outraged? You are, aren’t you – and you should be. She was completely out of his league.
So here’s where you’re going to say, “Where were the parents?” And here’s where I’m going to say, “Sitting next to me on the couch.” And you’re going to say, “Sleeping?” And I’m going to say, “No,” and also, “Does anyone fall asleep while watching Dallas?” And you’re going to say, “Depends. Are we talking Season 9 or are we talking Season 11?” And I’m going to say, “Exactly” — but not before saying, “Where have you been all my life?”
In my parents’ defense, Dallas was really a family show.
Because Dallas is about a family.
In fact, the Ewings reminded me a lot of my family. We were farm stock, they were oil tycoons. We were Methodists, they were Millionaires.
They even looked just like us.
Except we were more comfortable wearing color.
And they were more comfortable wearing sin.
Despite all the many Fridays I sat there — mouth gaping, eyes bugged, perhaps a lone Cheeto hanging from my nose — on the couch with the Ewing family on the tube, I don’t remember much of anything that occurred on Dallas.
Plotlines? Were there plotlines? What plotlines? I don’t recall. It’s all pretty fuzzy — fuzzy like that time Sue Ellen threw back some Mint Juleps and then staggered into Cliff’s bedroom, ripped off her dress and said, “I hate you! Make love to me!”
I don’t really remember that night either, Sue Ellen.
I remember a few fiery car crashes, a few angry slaps, a few mistresses, a few illegitimate children. I seem to recall some crystal highballs being flung against the wall and a shower scene where Dead Bobby appears with a grin. I seem to remember a feisty girl named Lucy with long blond hair. I seem to remember her chic pantsuits. I seem to remember my mom refusing to sew me chic pantsuits.
And sadly, the best scene of all, the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers – the epic, mind-blowing Who Shot J.R.? scene – is pretty damn vague to me. I don’t know if I watched it or if Pam dreamt it.
For all I know, I shot J.R.
And now, just last week, it all starts over again. Dallas returns to television! With a bang! Can you believe it? I’m hearing that Bobby’s son Christopher is fighting J.R.’s son John Ross! People are having sex with people again! People are really attractive and people are really angry!
And the circle of life continues at Southfork Ranch.
My daughter will be sleeping.
Thank you so much for sharing your love of nostalgic TV Angie! I feel so much better about my relationship with Dawson and Pacey now… and thank you for helping me end our Countdown on such a high note!
And thank y’all so much for participating! The lucky winner of the Pointless Nostalgic Countdown will be announced shortly, so stay tuned!